I’ll share a few things about the experience of spending 3 days in the pitch black darkness, I’m saving a lot of this story for later. A lot of this had to do with me trusting life. Leaving my team to handle things on the weekend without me, was a first for me. Especially without cell reception.
The 4th day I spent writing and enjoying myself in the middle of the forest.
I used to wonder what it would be like to live alone in a cabin in the forest. I found out, that I still want to do all the other things I love to do, and I was grateful to come back to my life. In fact, when I got to the city in Ashland, it looked totally adorable. Aside from driving the wrong way on a one way street and getting honked at for whatever weird driving skills I do in L.A.
I’m happy I was there alone, though there were moments where the loneliness felt like it would last forever. The dark room would be an incredible place for a couple to experience together. Helping each other around the house, playing hide and seek, feeding each other….
There were moments where I thought I wouldn’t get out of there alive. Truly, for a couple hours, I actually thought I might not. The days were so long, that if I ever complain about a day not being long enough again, remind me of the dark room. I can feel it now more than ever, how long a day is. I also had the deepest rest of my life. I also feel that a lot of what I want to do now, is meditate with the memory of that space in darkness, which is why I might be building a room to go back to when I want to.
I held my big amethyst stone the whole time, because I was afraid of the dark, and that was a big part of why I was there. To face the fear. Seeing spirits since I was a child, mixed with whatever movie images came up for me, was pretty scary alone. And I loved being in the dark too. In moments I was scared, I remembered the Nickelodeon commercial that would often say, “Are you afraid of the dark?” Must’ve been a “Goosebumps” show, which scared me more.
The amethyst stone I found had a star sticker on the pedestal. It was the first one I reached for, and wanted, and it was the only one with a random star sticker on it, it was meant for me. I knew I wanted to get an amethyst in Ashland, and luckily I picked the right Hotel, across the street from plenty of amethysts! I found it right outside the hotel, just before I left for the retreat.
I feel like I was just there, floating in space. I could feel power in me when I left. I left without a single bruise or scrape. I was prepared for this since High school when I played Helen Keller. I had taught myself to knit in the dark when I played the role, because there was a scene Helen was knitting in and I wanted it to be real. I knitted gloves in the dark room, to help me through scary moments. It brought me the peace and nurturance I needed to be present with the experience.
When I played the role, I would blindfold myself and walk around the stage. One time I fell off the stage and twisted my ankle.
It wasn’t the dark room where I injured myself. It was when I came home and tripped on a shoe in such a crazy way that I broke my big toe for the first time ever breaking something!
As soon as I arrived past the first or second bridge near their property, my new I Phone 11pro decided to stop taking video and pictures, except for selfies. They have since sent me a new phone which also didn’t work. For some strange reason I’m unable to take videos right now. The flashlight doesn’t work either.
I was however, able to take a few selfies, and not use my phone so much. I took a photo of this mystical Woman when I had stopped in Mount Shasta on the way. Had my phone been working properly I would have taken a close up of her magical eyes. She was a poet in front of the farmers market. She travels around the world, and writes poems for donation.
She stopped me as my energy silently became interested in what she was doing on that little 100 year old typewriter. “Are you interested in a poem?” She said.
“I’m interested to see if I have any cash in my bag.” I said.
Normally, I don’t carry cash, I keep the cards, but lucky for us, I had some cash in there!
That’s the story for now, all the big parts I have written to share later, and the poem.