A Beautiful Sinking Ship

I stood outside in the pouring rain on a Spring Day. When the Sun came out, the Sailor appeared smiling at me. 

“There’s a hole in that boat.” A psychic says as I walk towards the entrance. 

“That’s ok, it’ll be fine.” I smiled brightly. “It has a kind energy about it. My next herbal remedy will be inspired here.” 

“That boat doesn’t have what you need.” The psychic says.

“I like this boat, it’s charming and reminds me of myself.” 

The Sailor convinces me it’s a great idea to get on his boat, “Our vibration is a match. It’s good for the Earth for you to be on this boat with me, you will see!” 

He begins to stick some bubble wrap he found in the closet, into the hole on the boat. I wonder what kind of sailor this is. I see how present he is with the bubble wrap in the hole and find it endearing. 

So I believe him, but inside I know this charming Sailor is being delusional, as I look up at the rainbow in the sky. 

I’ve seen rainbows like this one before.

I get on the boat. 

“Be Careful”, My Son warns me with goblin green hair and a few painted nails, as he takes a glooming glance at the Sailor and turns away. 

There are friends in the distance waving at me. They see the hole on the boat. I wave back and smile, as I drift away. My Astrologer sends off a warning from the stars by shooting an arrow into the sky. 

The boat is still sailing, and there is laughter, there is fun, there is delight and yummy fish dinners. We prepare a plate in the joy of taking care of each other. He sings and I dance. We play piano and he’s not mad that I don’t sing. He blows my heart chakra open. Our vortex feels safe. I massage his head and we hold hands and he doesn’t tell me my energy is wrong like the Pirate did. He thinks it’s magic, and we fly into the cosmos. We feel like helium balloons in the stars.

I have a dream with clothes thrown all around the room, and a message from a Man telling me that I was walking into a messy mind space. I tell him it’s ok, I care about this boat and I’ll come out alive soon, but let me be here. The boat has holes and I want to help it. Even if it’s self sacrificing and the Sailor turns away in the end. 

And then I begin to see some strange signs and I’m not sure how to respond, since I’m already on the boat away from the shore. I begin to feel like a doll on the shelf. My body feels sea sick. The Sailor puts on a funny hat, sings to me, and tells me jokes, and I laugh again, hypnotized into submission.

I forget my morning rituals and wonder why. I trip over Sailor shoes and break my toe.

There are more signs.

My bracelet falls off. The artichoke I just received has mold on it so I throw out the old one for the new one, like a brand new heart. 

The boat is full of more clothes around it, gloomy clouds, and a spirit speaking to me. I don’t want to be here. I used to shine bright. The boat sinks and the helium deflates. Suddenly I’m lost at sea, not knowing how I got there.  Drifting in the ocean looking up at stars, neglected and confused, trying to remember who I am again.

My rose quartz bracelet brakes off my wrist in the dark.

Our hearts and stomachs are heavy like the water, as the boat keeps sinking. Sadly, he turns to look at me with empty eyes like we are strangers. The Sailor tells me to just be with my feelings. “Be with my feelings, is what I do, but you had a hole in the boat and brought me with you because it was good for you. You’re not addressing a deeper conversation.” The Sailor has no comment other than to say, “You’re just like the others, you crazy nut.” And he disappears with a mermaid. 

I fell on my back like a turtle, body shaking and in tears at the utter devastation of his projections. My desire to nurture someone who was in pain, turned around on me. 

Karmic connections can feel like that. Even if there were some beautiful moments. They’re not meant to last long; they’re there for the evolvement of both characters. Just because something is good for you now, doesn’t mean it will be later.

A Man in a 4 leaf clover hat sees me coming out of the water with my red boots, a bent hat, and a cute dress. Mascara drips all over my face, as I limp in the sand with a broken toe; my mouth is twitching. He’s catching a Salmon and I’m catching Tuna. “Are you hopelessly heart broken by this crazy World or would you like to come to the shore with me?”

“I’m just here, now.” I say

His energy was grounded, feet deep and warm in the sand.

I looked back at the sunken boat, I did love that funny Sailor and, I was equally happy to let him go. His spirit was an angelic warrior with a big heart and cosmic smile.

“Let’s get you some warm tea.” The Lucky hat Man says.

Soon after the trembles of the cold water and a warm fire, I feel my energy vibrate as me again. I no longer feel unsafe waking up in the mornings. I feel loved and treasured by spirit. I am liberated. 

And my toe will never be the same. Neither will my decisions. 

#itsme

Everyone talks about the power of walking away from someone and being silent. We also say a lot about defining our focus. And it seems to me that there’s too much focus in the spiritual community on getting rid of and banishing. “Let go of what doesn’t serve you.” I cringe at this because there’s a lot less talk about being accountable or honoring connections even if you are turning another direction. Taking the time to have real conversations. My Astrologer has a great way of explaining this in this weeks video, that has been on my mind a long time.

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