My whole life I’ve been blessed with a path of loving and letting go. Though, I know it’s a blessing, my heart still aches through it all. And I love that.
I remember my Dad leaving the house when I was 3 1/2. It was my first memory.
The times I tried to hold on, it was much to my despair, that I would turn into a childish version of myself. Maybe it’s my inner 3 year old crying, asking for Dad to come home. Begging to be forgiven for my mistakes that led to the departure.
How I feel now, is that the more we let go, the more we can bring in love, access more love, and be more love.
I want to hold onto the wonderful things Men say to me. As if they could feel the same way in every moment. But I would rather let them go, let them go all the way, like a helium balloon in the sky. Let it reach further and further. In that space I can be more of me. They can be more of them. Even if my heart has a lot of big feelings. It’s the next evolvement, and no matter how uncertain it seems, I know it gets better. I’ll look in the eyes of someone I love again, and really appreciate who they are and give them all the care and love I want for them.
The reason I feel so vibrant and abundant has a lot to do with the produce I enjoy. When we talk about how we need to feel abundance to have abundance, that can be a challenge for some if they’re in a tough position. And I believe that fresh local veggies can help relieve that feeling.
When I look at a lettuce from a small farm, it has an effect on my body. This lettuce isn’t a $400 abundance course — though you can do that too — it’s just a $3 lettuce. That’s it. Keeping these kinds of fresh vibrant veggies around you can do wonders for your vibration. Which is why we donate produce through my CSA, Earth Matterz.
I’m speaking specifically to the lettuce that’s grown from small farms that I know. The quality is far beyond the normal grocery store organic produce.
10 years ago, I didn’t know my farmers. When I got to know them, everything changed! Once I started to eat this way, my vibrancy for life became amplified. If I go a few days without some type of greens from one of our farms, I can feel it in my cells, that something is missing.
I’ve had the most vibrance and abundance in my life through a real connection with food.
I don’t buy produce at grocery stores or Amazon — even if they’re labeled organic. There’s a better vibration out there! Though there are some smaller grocery stores that do buy from small farms, it’s still a tight community full of people who feel connected to the spirit of the earth.
Eating in season is a lifestyle.
Miracles happen everyday, small ones and big ones. When we connect to our food through the seasons, we are in connection with the natural vibration and magic of the earth. Therefore those magical moments happen more often. And it’s as simple as enjoying a vegetable from the garden or an organic small farm.
You can connect to a small farm, or CSA subscription service in your area, and watch the magic unfold in your life.
I know it did for mine.
What I’ve really seen change people’s lives is when they try a new vegetable that they haven’t tried before. At first, it seems uncomfortable, but then they acclimate to it. They find a way to enjoy it until it’s normal to them. At this point, they have more variety in their life, which is a cornerstone for how we treat life in general.
When you try a bright pink watermelon radish for the first time, or pink celery! Maybe some kohlrabi, or speckled romaine lettuce. You’ll certainly know the feeling I’m talking about.
It’s about 6pm. The sun is coming down. I drive up the canyon and see the trees to my right. The thin branches that wind and curl. There’s something about the vibration of it. The way the sun hits the light on the branches. I imagine them to be purple, as if there’s purple lights of sun rays hitting the tops of the trees. I wind around a few more curves and to my left, I see bushes of magical stars all over the hill; with very sharp points. In a moment, I’ll realize they’re bushes of sage leaves.
And I can breathe. I’ve hit the part of the canyon, coming from the valley that we all recognize as the magic spot. The moment where we take in more air.
When you look at the world like a painting, everything is just as beautiful as it is; intertwined with more imagination.
Our perceptions make magic happen.
The day before……
“Do you want a smoothie?” I asked my Son, before I picked him up for our driving practice. There were people sitting in the courtyard. They looked happy. I thought the day would never come. While I walked in the door of Sunlife, I received the text that my order was ready. To then see two cups on the counter with my name on them.
I stopped. I melted. I breathed. I felt honored. I thanked them in a way I have never thanked a store before. My perception shifted. I didn’t have to do anything to feel this. I didn’t have to say anything. Someone cared to share it. It just is.
I feel recognized and at ease. Of course this happened on my cycle during a mercury retrograde where I lost my cool, literally and figuratively. Sometimes we just need a little love and to be seen.
Why I love to offer soups in small batches, is that I can infuse them with Earthly sacred energy. We feed our cells with healthy food, and we can also feed our cells with healthy feelings.
Have you taken a moment to hold a plant in your hand, or touch the soil in the ground, recently? To feel the Earths Sacred energy, even just for a moment……
I arrived through the passing of the magic threshold, where I moved through painful memories, amongst dark, twisted branches. That’s how it felt.
I began to awaken from my dream. In the portal from one dimension to the next, I moved through the stories. The stories that still break my heart. That I have spent almost every day crying about this last year. Crying so many tears of devastation in the middle of the night. I told some of the stories with a group of writers, called the Magic Threshold. Some stories I kept to myself. They wondered why I was so silent. There are some things I just can’t share.
The emotions of those memories from years ago had an effect on my body. Middle of last year, I was hitting my fists on the ground, crying because my body was in so much pain. I tried to tell people, it just wasn’t something anyone could understand. They had their own concerns. I found myself in the Doctors office, doing natural IV treatments 3 days a week. I felt so lucky to be there. On one visit, someone sent me a random message, to keep going. I looked up from my phone, to see the words “Star Power”, written on a magazine.
As I moved through this portal, while awakening out of my dream space, it was hard. It was hard like the way it’s hard to scream inside of a dream. You know those dreams? The ones where someone is chasing you, or you are trying to scream to get help, but you can’t because you are in a dream? You just try so hard, so much, and you just can’t.
Then something magical happened in the portal, upon waking.
I got through the stories and spirit showed me a golden gate. I walked through it. “You’ve entered the magic threshold”, it said. Suddenly my body, and spirit were awakened fully. The transmission was clear, that the intention of the magic threshold was complete. Flooded with good feelings, an opening, and great awakening. I got it. It was one story I shared just before this night, that made it clear to me.
We had our closing ceremony the next week. I lit candles. Some Women wore sparkles and flower crowns. I wore my gold ring crown that I graduated to, just days before the ceremony.
“That ring looks like…You’ve arrived.” my friend Kandi said at the Kinship Station.
I had an arrow ring that symbolized pointing me in a new direction. A Phoenix ring symbolizing my constant rebirth. And now the golden crown.
The last words said to me, in the closing ceremony, were to put me through the “opening of the mouth ceremony” like they did in Ancient Egypt. Maybe I will open my mouth and share some more. The same way I open my hands with so much light and energy to make soup. The same way, I felt the opening of the gate, into the magic threshold.
I make soups to help people feel better. To soothe their hearts and souls, and provide them with the absolute healthiest food they can find, from the best farms. We are sensitive creatures, deserving of foods that nurture our heart and souls.
To get my recipe for this creamy beet borscht soup, click here! May it soothe your soul like it did for me the night after the magic threshold ceremony.
I think I’ll be telling some more joyful stories soon.
I remember that only two months into the pandemic, friends here would say, “things are going back to normal soon.” I knew that they weren’t.
Once Upon a Time, there were characters here that I would meet and write about. I met an Earth Angel while I was doing a demo for my broth. He was reading a book on the inside tables. Since then we’ve taken some twists and turns. We visited each other often here, sharing and mentally working out life. Our last day here was a couple weeks ago before he left LA. I sat down next to him and looked straight ahead into the glass windows. I listened to him for a few minutes, he listened to me times 3. He’s on his way to live in a Yurt up North. I talked his ear off, and without a breath, spontaneously turned around and held him tight, my face hiding over his back. Tears burst out of me. I’m happy and sad when the old times dissolve. “I hoped you wouldn’t come so I could just slip away,” he said as tears dripped down his face. I needed him like I needed a hematite stone, and that’s what I handed him when he left that day.
There was a Dragon here. The kind of Dragon spirit who disappears. I had another Dragon spirit before, so I was prepared. We experienced the most blissful 2 hours once sitting by the bushes with popsicles dripping down our hands on a hot summer day. All the chaos of the world just dissipated for that moment, we were so present. The last I saw him he hugged me better than he ever had, like the way my Grandfather hugged my Son the last we ever saw him. The dragon did what no one else had done when he hugged me. He held my hat at the moment I hoped he would so it wouldn’t fall on the street. No one else cared to do that. He was a challenging character who threw my sensitive nature in a spiral, but I really cared about him. It seemed like he didn’t care so much about honoring sacred things, though he saved my pink hat from falling so that was something. My carefully chosen hats are very sacred and he knew that. He never tried to take it and put it on his head. His silly baseball caps wouldn’t have that anyway. Though, he often joked that my hat was my need for protection. I ran away towards the door from the parking lot, and blew him a kiss when he said, “I love you so much”. I walked in the door with a bearded friend who for years has been one of my top supporters for Soup Sorceress. I turned around to see the Dragon drive away in his speedy Tesla. He was waving goodbye to everyone. Symbolic of all the characters in my realm, I knew in that moment, that: That was all folks.
And there were others. Today, I’m facing a lot of sadness. Maybe the loneliest I’ve ever felt. They all disappeared.
Now I’m experiencing a taste of normal. And not the kind of normal people keep hoping will come back. It’s not because I took off my mask and talked to someone. Or invited a friend over by the fire and shared my crazy delicious homemade chocolate cashew cream pudding. Or shared my homemade cashew cream pumpkin ice cream w/ shatavari and reishi, sweetened with maple syrup. Or shared my tomato and herb soup with skullcap.
It’s a taste of normal because all the lively spirits that I gave fun character names too are gone. Erewhon is desolate. They removed the tables. The old characters melted away in different types of ways, like cotton candy people. I’ll never remember the title of that kids book. It had a creepy ending of the family next door who was acting normal and suddenly melted at the front door because they were actually cotton candy people. The story really effected me when I was 8, and now.
As I mourned the melting of old characters, I ignored a few new ones. I just couldn’t bring myself to answer their messages.
I had a favorite dress and now I don’t wear it anymore. I have a new dress, and I’m better than ever.
Here’s to normal things, like spinach, and keeping healthy, because that’s always been my goal no matter what story I’m creating, “A Healthy Earth”.
Inspired by questions in a Rumi poem.
I noticed the empty floor.
I heard the sound of nowhere.
I admired the way synchronicities flowed for me here, and I intuitively knew who I would see.
I was astonished when everyone left.
I wish I could see the child who asked to see me.
My tender heart is drinking years of loneliness.
I thought they were ridiculing my every move.
The most wonderful part was creating a new outfit every time I fell down and re-birthed again and again.
There’s a certain satisfaction that comes with it being the end of a hard day. Especially if we accept it as part of life instead of trying hard to get the law of attraction right and figure out what is wrong with us for hours. Just knowing that we survived that day and its circumstances, and having faith in ourselves going forward is a good moment. Especially with soup and chocolate. I was feeling pretty satisfied at my tough day once I escaped to nature at night to listen to crickets.
In the middle of the day, I wanted to make the lentil stew I had planned, and finally got it started once my team left for the day to make deliveries. There never seems to be enough time to add the last few ingredients that would blow everyone away, though what I did create was really excellent. I began to simmer the lentils, to start the soup, and set the timer for 20 minutes while I chopped veggies. 10 minutes in, I noticed on my trusty routing software, that one of my drivers was stuck in the canyon for a little while and his phone wasn’t on. Concerned about what might be going on, I turned the heat off and dashed to Topanga to find him. I wasn’t sure what would become of this soup.
The soup wasn’t ruined, in fact when I arrived back, I found the soaking of the lentils for 30 minutes was done just right, and I began to put the rest of the ingredients in the pot.
Here’s some main things that made this recipe so great.
~Snake gourd. This is the best squash I’ve ever had. I’ve seen it nowhere. I asked a farmer to grow it for my company Earth Matterz, and he did.
~French Green Lentils have amazing texture. I get them from Kandarian Farm, which is the best you can get locally in LA. Also available at Earth Matterz.
~Shiso, lemon balm, and lemon thyme are an incredible mix of flavors for this stew.
~If I found my cumin, I would have added 2 teaspoons.
~If I had more time I would have added some rind of orange. I also would have picked the eggplant I had, to add on top of the stew.
This stew is amazing!
Snake Gourd and Lentil Stew
1 cup of french green lentils
4-5 cups of water
Tomatoes (a lb or less is enough)
1 red onion
A few sprigs of shiso, lemon balm, and at least half a bunch of lemon thyme.
Snake gourd (as much as you want, I used half of one that weights about 1.5 lbs.)
1 lb of potatoes
1 banana pepper
1 spicy hanako pepper
Handful of baby spinach
3 or more Passion Fruit
First, simmer the lentils for 20 minutes in 4-5 cups of water.
Stir fry the onions and a sweet pepper on a pan on low heat with olive oil. Once it browns and caramelizes, pour it into the simmering lentils.
After 10 minutes. Add freshly chopped tomatoes. Cut the passion fruit in half and spoon out the juice into the pot. Don’t use the shells of passion fruit. I know that sounds crazy, but I’ve known people to try it. That’s almost like eating fiber glass. Add the hanako pepper or another spicy pepper. Rather than to chop up the pepper, I cut the pepper in half, take the seeds out, and let it simmer in there. Then I take the pepper out when the stew is ready. Chop the fresh herbs and throw them in the pot.
Add the chopped potatoes. I chop them up really small so that they cook faster. After about 5 minutes of the potatoes cooking, I add the chopped squash. Cook until the squash is tender, turn off the heat, and stir in a handful of spinach.
These types of unique flavors and elements, are how I won the chili cook off years ago. It’s about finding unique ingredients, which you can find at Earth Matterz. 🙂
Last night I had a lucid dream. I believe I was holding two small balls in my hand, but they represented something I was eating. If you’ve had lucid dreams, that might make sense to you. I was with a Man and there were a lot of people around like it was a city, but we were in some kind of half way enclosed area.
Everyone stopped. They had all recieved a message from the divine.
“They’re all allowed to do whatever they want in 5 minutes. All rules in this earth, concepts, ideas, are all vanished for just that amount of time.” The Man with me said.
“Oh they’re all gonna end up with an STD.” I said. In looking at the people I was surrounded with and what they might be up to, I wasn’t particularly happy about this no rules for 5 minutes idea. I didn’t trust them. Almost like one of those scary vivid dreams where someone is chasing you.
Then the moment began for the 5 minutes, and I was in an energetic space of no rules. In that space I was given permission to completely release and do anything I wanted to do.
My choice in that moment was to throw the balls in the air and on the floor. It’s all I wanted, was to be free of holding onto them, to break the rules we have about not being able to throw something on the ground when you’re done with it. It was the energy behind what happened that gave me so much release. No rule. No guilt. Permission to do what I wanted right then.
Other than seeds and pits of fruits, pieces of veggies, I don’t throw things on the ground. However, I do feel that guilty feeling if I do, even if it’s a cherry seed. Not because I think there’s something wrong with it, because it’s not totally accepted by everyone in society yet. In this picture everyone was given permission not to be concerned about society.
If you had 5 minutes where all Earth rules vanished in space, and you could do anything you wanted, what would you do? What would be let go and released inside of you?
Last night I watched the Mr. Rogers movie until 3am. There’s a part where Opera talks to Mr. Rogers and he says as Parents we just need to remember what it was like to be a little one. She asks him why we forget what it’s like to be a little one?
There was something that I never forgot when I was a teenager, and it stayed with me all these years.
When I was 13, I wrote in my journal to make sure that I wouldn’t forget. I since lost the journal but it was such a big moment that writing it kept it in my memory forever. I remember how it felt to be me as a teen, as I cried my eyes out into my journal, feeling unloved and untrusted for my expression.
It was the biggest promise I made to my older self. It was so absolutely important to me.
I promised that when I had kids I would let them express themselves how they wanted to. I would let them wear the clothes they wanted to wear. I would celebrate their originality, and I would trust that they knew their path in life, and that they could safely express their individual style.
I used to wear rainbow tights to school and get yelled at for it. I would sometimes wear a cape, or marker my nose purple. Or see what would happen if I walked into class without shoes. I wore a midriff to celebrate my own body. Having small breasts was unusual and people thought I should get breast surgery later. So my way of celebrating my individual body type was to wear midriffs and I was yelled at for that. So I cried into my journal.
My Journaling worked, and I never forgot that feeling when I was writing it. I have a 16 year old Son today who does just that. Celebrates his original style. With neon green hair, a hello kitty mask, one earring on his ear, and a nose ring. He’s also ultra responsible, very talented, incredibly kind and polite, and gets mostly A’s in school. 🙂
I’ll share a few things about the experience of spending 3 days in the pitch black darkness, I’m saving a lot of this story for later. A lot of this had to do with me trusting life. Leaving my team to handle things on the weekend without me, was a first for me. Especially without cell reception.
The 4th day I spent writing and enjoying myself in the middle of the forest.
I used to wonder what it would be like to live alone in a cabin in the forest. I found out, that I still want to do all the other things I love to do, and I was grateful to come back to my life. In fact, when I got to the city in Ashland, it looked totally adorable. Aside from driving the wrong way on a one way street and getting honked at for whatever weird driving skills I do in L.A.
I’m happy I was there alone, though there were moments where the loneliness felt like it would last forever. The dark room would be an incredible place for a couple to experience together. Helping each other around the house, playing hide and seek, feeding each other….
There were moments where I thought I wouldn’t get out of there alive. Truly, for a couple hours, I actually thought I might not. The days were so long, that if I ever complain about a day not being long enough again, remind me of the dark room. I can feel it now more than ever, how long a day is. I also had the deepest rest of my life. I also feel that a lot of what I want to do now, is meditate with the memory of that space in darkness, which is why I might be building a room to go back to when I want to.
I held my big amethyst stone the whole time, because I was afraid of the dark, and that was a big part of why I was there. To face the fear. Seeing spirits since I was a child, mixed with whatever movie images came up for me, was pretty scary alone. And I loved being in the dark too. In moments I was scared, I remembered the Nickelodeon commercial that would often say, “Are you afraid of the dark?” Must’ve been a “Goosebumps” show, which scared me more.
The amethyst stone I found had a star sticker on the pedestal. It was the first one I reached for, and wanted, and it was the only one with a random star sticker on it, it was meant for me. I knew I wanted to get an amethyst in Ashland, and luckily I picked the right Hotel, across the street from plenty of amethysts! I found it right outside the hotel, just before I left for the retreat.
I feel like I was just there, floating in space. I could feel power in me when I left. I left without a single bruise or scrape. I was prepared for this since High school when I played Helen Keller. I had taught myself to knit in the dark when I played the role, because there was a scene Helen was knitting in and I wanted it to be real. I knitted gloves in the dark room, to help me through scary moments. It brought me the peace and nurturance I needed to be present with the experience.
When I played the role, I would blindfold myself and walk around the stage. One time I fell off the stage and twisted my ankle.
It wasn’t the dark room where I injured myself. It was when I came home and tripped on a shoe in such a crazy way that I broke my big toe for the first time ever breaking something!
As soon as I arrived past the first or second bridge near their property, my new I Phone 11pro decided to stop taking video and pictures, except for selfies. They have since sent me a new phone which also didn’t work. For some strange reason I’m unable to take videos right now. The flashlight doesn’t work either.
I was however, able to take a few selfies, and not use my phone so much. I took a photo of this mystical Woman when I had stopped in Mount Shasta on the way. Had my phone been working properly I would have taken a close up of her magical eyes. She was a poet in front of the farmers market. She travels around the world, and writes poems for donation.
She stopped me as my energy silently became interested in what she was doing on that little 100 year old typewriter. “Are you interested in a poem?” She said.
“I’m interested to see if I have any cash in my bag.” I said.
Normally, I don’t carry cash, I keep the cards, but lucky for us, I had some cash in there!
That’s the story for now, all the big parts I have written to share later, and the poem.
I’m in Ashland Oregon, to enter into 4 days of meditating in a dark room. No light, no phone, no computer. I’ve prepared for it all month.
I’m going in just in time, to see all the wonderful black and white photos of Women empowering each other on instagram.
I had some curry soup last night from a local organic little shop, and I was feeling scared. The Angel Warrior sent a message to tell me nothing would come up that I can’t handle. I laughed and cried as he also said, sometimes I might feel like I just want to get out of there.
In High School, I played the role of Helen Keller. When I got the role, I had never been so happy. I wanted to play the role so much, and I got to. I was a method Actress, and so I spent time in a dark closet to practice. I taught myself to knit with my eyes closed, and fell off the stage blindfolded once. I had some crazy bruises on my body. For not being able to speak, it was still one of the best roles of my life. So when I heard about the darkness retreat, I knew it was for me. After having experienced a taste of it in High School.